Schmidt’s Story

Salutations, reader. My name is Ryan Schmidt: prospective game, comic and trans-media writer;
soon-to be graduate of a college Game Development program; and nine-year veteran of depression. To help provide content for this fledgling blog, I figured I should prepare a short piece to talk about myself and my experience with mental illness.

September 2006 was the month when my depression began, although I had no idea at the time. When it started, I figured how I felt was just a product of my recent circumstances: I had been processing my first close family death with the passing of my grandpa, diving into a new school where my classroom escalated from eight students to forty, and trying to get adjusted to my parents’ unexpected divorce.

As my hollowing mentality lingered long after those triggers passed, I still somehow convinced myself that how I felt was nothing to worry about. “It’s just teenage angst”, I’d tell myself: “a part of the high-school experience”. As you’d presume, that wasn’t quite right. I eventually encouraged myself to find out what was happening and consulted my family physician. By that time I had an idea of what answer awaited me, and my suspicion was confirmed: I was depressed.

My doctor diagnosed me with dysthymia, now regarded in the medical community as persistent depressive disorder. I count myself fortunate that my condition is milder than most of the cases I hear about, though. More often than not, I can pull myself through the thick of it to continue being productive or get myself out of bed in the same hour I woke up.

I’d say there’s even some good that’s come from this internal torment. For example, I think being well acquainted with acute, even uncontrollable emotion has helped me become more empathetic than I would’ve been otherwise, and I also found a way to channel my times of negativity into something creative—writing—which I may not have gotten into had I not craved distraction. Those gains, whether they really stem from my depression or not, definitely keep me looking on the bright side.

That’s not to say I haven’t experienced my fair share of dark times, though. Over the course of my depression, I had a year where entertaining the thought of suicide became a daily affair. Even during that period, however, I’d never let myself go through with it. They were just ideas that would let me indulge in misguided thoughts of escape or a break from reality. I have a handful of people close to me that I couldn’t abandon like that, though; family and friends I couldn’t bear to hurt or lose. Add to that a crippling fear of death instilled through years of being a pessimistic atheist, and I’m in the game of life for as long as I can keep playing.

Overall, depression has kept my life… interesting. Right now I’d say I’m looking at the world through lenses coated in a lighter shade of grey, but that tends to fluctuate often. After almost a decade of this condition, however, there’s one thing I can say: I’ve made peace with the fact that my depression will likely linger on with me for the rest of my days. It’s a passenger joining me for the ride, sitting firmly fastened in, but I can handle it—come what may, I’m never leaving the driver’s seat.
 

Depression doesn’t drive, you do – Emily’s reflection

This is, what I am sure you will agree, an inspiring piece regarding not only facing depression but working with it.

Ryan also explores the issue of separating depression from just outward emotional reaction or ‘a product of my recent circumstances’. Undergoing emotional trauma can contribute to depression, and recognising the definition and getting yourself the support you need is important.  Yet many people confuse their emotional state only with their current circumstances – and although your current circumstances may be difficult, this does not mean that depression cannot affect you either. 

Ultimately, depression is not selective. Yet in this light, neither should people be when it comes to obtaining treatment and you deserve full emotional support for mental illness whatever your circumstances.

I also very much appreciate the driving analogy Ryan has used. In terms of depression, I have learned over time to try and keep my perspective and see myself as the driver – you can be in control, you have all the potential to be in control. Yet it sometimes feels like depression is in the passengers’ seat as Ryan says, or perhaps, even the car itself. Sometimes, in terms of a depressive episode, I can feel engulfed by a kind of negativity, bordering on emptiness.

But I can gain control. Ryan has gained control. You can gain control – and that is a brilliant thing in itself.

Ryan has expressed himself and this blog is testament to the feeling that writing is one way of how control can be gained. It is ultimately a case of being able to express yourself in whatever way you are comfortable, and this for yourself may not be writing specifically, but  there are many possibilities– art, music, film, gaming, interacting with family, community. These are things which can allow you to accelerate, reach a space you feel content with, even motivated by.

That is why the honesty of Ryan’s words is so inspiring – for example, as he reflects ‘Overall, depression has kept my life… interesting’.  If you face mental illness, it does not mean you will be defined by it nor will it wholly constitute a negative.  I  appreciate that recent headlines have not been helpful (especially in the UK newspapers) regarding the German Wings disaster. Such stigma crushes the opportunity for individuality – it reduces people to an illness. The pilot committed a tragic and dreadful act, not depression – just like if he would have suffered from any other illness, the act would still be committed by the person, not the condition.

Ultimately, you act, not your depression, and you can act now – you can still feel your breath on your opened palm, feel the warmth of a cup of tea or the comforting cool of water. You can.  The ability to experience is an enduring feature of life, and it can be fantastic.

Ryan’s piece emphasizes that you can take that action to feel, experience and enjoy life whilst still accepting depression. It is in accepting depression for what it is, not a definition of who you are, which is surely a step for progression.


With many thanks to Ryan Schmidt for his blog post. 

Editors: Emily Oldfield (@EmilyvOldfield) and Scott Waple (@ScottMHC14 )