All the labels but VICTIM is not one of them.

Trigger Warning: This blog contains topics such as sexual abuse, self-harm detail & anorexia which may be difficult to read. If you are feeling vulnerable or low, please be wary.

Rebecca’s* Story:

Throughout my life I have been given a lot of labels: anorexic, depressed, self-harmer, bipolar, dyslexic, body dysmorphic, lesbian … all of these labels, whether useful or not, I will accept. But there is always one label that sticks in my throat: victim.

When I was a child, my mum’s now ex-boyfriend realised that he could sneak into my room at night without being noticed. He knew that I was having problems with anorexia and depression and my father had an alcohol problem, so he told me he would be my dad. “Great” I thought, “a dad, just what I need”. However, he did not want to be my dad, he knew that I was a weak frightened child, he knew that “no” was the only thing I could say and he made me feel stupid for saying it. The abuse went on for a long time, far longer than it should have. I felt I lost all self-worth, self-respect and self-esteem.

Yes I may be described as possessing all of the previous labels but “victim” is one that I do not accept. This is not an appropriate label. Okay, I was subjected to sexual abuse as a child and I have in no way forgiven him, but I am a survivor NOT a victim.

It is very difficult to deal with mental health problems, whether they are triggered by past events or not, they are awful! I know that I have mental health problems. When I am upset I will put on a happy, smiley face for the whole world to see, but when I get home and am on my own I have a very different face.

The walls come down, metaphorically of course, I know that the actual walls are still very much in the same place because I will sit there for hours at a time and stare at them unable to move, eat or think clearly. At this point there is still hope, it will sometimes just pass in a few hours or a day, if it does then great, but when it doesn’t there is a problem.

After days of feeling dead inside I know what will happen.  I crave to feel sensation, to feel alive – even if it is in pain. I will tell myself of my lack of worth as I hurt myself, feeling a kind of anger rise. After that, comes the time to lie there in my own world until the floods of tears come.

Eating is another vice. Looking at me you wouldn’t know I have a problem; my ribs don’t stick out, I am not gaunt and frail looking most of the time. I had beaten anorexia at around 15, but sometimes old habits die hard. As anyone with an eating disorder knows, we LOVE food; we love it so much that we can’t trust ourselves to stop eating.

Not eating can be a punishment for my “worthless” self but bingeing is also a punishment. Forcing stupid amounts of food down me until I feel too full to move, then starving myself for days on end as a consequence afterwards. A counsellor once told me, “Anorexia is unlike any other addiction. A drug addict can give up drugs, an alcoholic can give up drink but you can’t give up food because you will die”.

I WILL DIE! This hit me, I can’t die! What about my family and friends.

This sort of thinking started to aid my recovery; I can’t die so I have to live!

What you have just read details my life and feelings around 30% of the time; the rest of the time I am a “normal” functioning person, if there is such a thing.

Recovery and Advice:

It is important to remember that everyone has set backs. Whether you have cut, starved or abused yourself in any way, it is a setback and they happen. One setback doesn’t mean you are a failure. You have had a slip, you are human, and nobody is perfect.

My next thoughts/reflections are for survivors; even if you are still suffering you are a survivor because you are still here.

For survivors of eating disorders and self-harm:

If you have scars and stretch marks from either your dark times or your recovery/management process/journey/path, DON’T BE ASHAMED! These marks are not scars, they are embellishments, parts of the past showing your strength NOW. You have starved or hurt (or both) your body yet it has remained with you through the hard times. It offers possibility – to feel, to appreciate the world and the senses, and although that can seem frightening at times, it can also be liberating. It is strong and beautiful just like you!

For survivors of depression, bipolar, anxiety etc:

Bad days/weeks are awful and it is very difficult for people who haven’t experienced that feeling themselves to understand, so try and think about this when you are in a bad mood and want to push them away. Explain to them that you are having a tough time at the minute but you love them and you are grateful for their patience.

Now about yourself. When you are sat there staring, unable to eat, sleep, or are crying in a heap, unable to get yourself out of the pit of despair; please remember that this feeling can and  does eventually pass. As hard as it is and as silly as it sounds, this is what halted my previous suicidal tendencies/thoughts.  I thought too then of my family, of their anguish if I was to leave them.

Suicide is  a lasting solution to a temporary intensity of feeling. Although depression is a long-term issue in itself,  this does not mean you can have a quality of life, an enriching experience– whether you are suffering from depression or not. It might end your suffering at that moment, but the person that finds you will have to live with that traumatic image, and possibly nightmares and flashbacks, for the rest of their lives! Is it really worth it when the feeling which forces you close to the edge  will eventually pass and you may even get better with treatment?

Also, you deserve to live. Think about all of your good qualities, when you are depressed I know this is hard, so write them down when you are having a good day, that way they are always there written down to remind you.

Another useful thing is to keep yourself busy. Try to do something you feel is or find productive – for occupation can be incredibly helpful, even if it just to wander around the supermarket. You are a valuable part of life – even just the confirmation of being able to smile at somebody across the aisle can tell you that. It may be the last thing you want to do at that very moment but distracting your mind will stop you wallowing.

You deserve to be happy!

For abuse survivors:

You are not the problem THEY ARE! The evil sick person that did this to you is the worthless, unworthy piece of shit not you! You are incredibly strong for surviving through all of this and you deserve to feel loved, wanted and adored.

If you went through the same process that I did, you were probably scared and confused and then angry. It is okay to feel all of these things; it wasn’t just your body that was affected but your mind too. While these feelings are all acceptable, please don’t accept the knock to your self-esteem and self-worth. They are dirty and messed up for what they have done, not you.

Forgiveness is another matter. Some people say that if you forgive it will make you feel better. I am personally unable to forgive him for what he did and if I had my way he would suffer. However, as I can’t do anything to him, I decided to channel my anger in more productive ways. I threw myself into my studies. I am currently in the 2^nd year of my degree, living my life to the full and I am surrounded by my loving family and friends. That stupid, pathetic little man hasn’t broken me; I am strong and have full control over my own life and body.

With regards to relationships I am finally starting to open up; I am still not completely comfortable with my own body and looks (who is?), but I understand that other people are capable of finding me attractive. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable is very difficult. LEARN TO SAY NO WHEN YOU ARE UNCOMFORTABLE! Please never feel that “no” doesn’t work with everyone. Most people will understand if you don’t feel comfortable, especially if it’s a partner.

Confiding in a partner can be a very positive experience, they will be more understanding and will probably respect you more for being so brave in talking to them.

You deserve to be loved and you are a strong, beautiful person!

Thank you for taking your time to read this; I know it’s hard but don’t be your harshest critic, you deserve to lead a happy, fulfilling life.

Rebecca*

(*Not her real name)

Reflection: By Emily Oldfield – Order and the ‘disorder’

The above is not just an article, but an individual who strives against the deterministic/judgemental labels often attached to the ways that our mind works. Her words express profound feeling, as well as knowledge. Here we see a bravery not be limited as ‘victim’ but embrace actually BEING – including the discussion of abuse and attempts to seek release.

Mental illness can feel ‘awful’, in that it may well feel attached to us – but you ARE NOT attached to mental illness, you have your own identity and own feelings.  You also have your own suffering. I know from experience that many family members ask “Are you better now?” as I enjoy a day with them, yet I am also aware that anxiety  is still sitting there under my ribs.

For many people, food becomes a source of anxiety but also intense interest. The writer Rebecca* shows this through a line which may appear contradictory beside many people’s  perception/thoughts of ‘eating disorder’: ‘we LOVE food; we love it so much that we can’t trust ourselves to stop eating.’

Yet this is not just perception, but the point exactly, for many sufferers.  Firstly, in terms of definition – many people with eating disorders are indeed, not underweight.  Some are overweight as eating disorders can also consist of forms of overeating. What could be seen as ‘disordered’ in turn, is the individual’s relationship with food – not necessarily their body, which I believe is something which needs to addressed.

Many people love food for its sensory pleasures – its taste, its smell, the feeling of satisfaction it brings to the body. But in my experience, my mind continued, dissatisfied and rather than a love-sensation, food became a kind of love-object.  It became a permanent presence that I compartmentalised my day around – eating certain amounts at certain times, always having to know what I was going to have. I doted over the ideas of how I could eat more of one thing if it had less fat.

I relished, in the end, not the food itself – but the simultaneous sensation of feeling very full whilst seeing the bones beginning to glisten through my skin. It masked the emptiness underneath whilst providing myself with a kind of proof that I could ‘do something’. This in itself escalated at a time when I was at university, struggling to control the forces around me and feeling I could offer very little in terms of academic success or academic life. In a skewed way, the continuation of losing weight, repetitive exercise, became something I used to tell myself that I was ‘doing something’.

This is where labels therefore can be unhelpful. I was not conventionally ‘anorexic’ and I did not make myself sick. Yet the long obsessive stints of exercise led to open wounds on my feet which I ignored. I was angry because my body seemed to reject these forms of physical pain, and instead, the long gnawing internal emptiness continued. It crawled over my stomach at night as I attempted to sleep.

For in terms of mental health – although acceptance and acknowledgement is important, it is also important not to feel limited by definition. I thought that I did not deserve help because I was not what many people would describe as ‘anorexic’ in the traditional sense, I rejected the concept that my lifestyle was a kind of ‘self harm’. For I saw ‘self-harm’ only through society’s blinkered view of cutting (the skin).

Yet many people deal and inflict deeper, complex pain and whether you feel this pain or inflict it – you are entitled to support. It is one of the biggest steps you can take – accepting support both accepting your own possibility to be stable and that others can help. In this way, you can be strong enough to face  feeling and accept the benefits of awareness it can bring, but also accept yourself.

Ultimately, there is a learning process in accepting yourself, which is greater than any definition. For example, I even resisted the notion of ‘eating disorder’, as, for me, food was a way to obtain and implement a kind of order.  It takes time to realise that you are greater than any definition. On that note, Mental health conditions do not define you.  You may have terms  of mental illness ascribed to you, but, again, it DOES NOT define you.  As the blog post reflects, that you are a ‘survivor’ doesn’t define you, but in another sense – you define it, your life determines what your version of surviving is. And you can do brilliant things with it, you ‘deserve to be happy’.

This ‘happiness’ can be from as small as a reassuring piece of reading to human contact and closeness – there are too many opportunities to be defined. And that in itself is an amazing thing.

Editors: Scott Waple@ScottMHC14 and Emily Oldfield @EmilyvOldfield

Comments, emails and enquiries all welcomed.